i just wanna soil my oats bro
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize