Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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