remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
