I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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