I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
