I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
