he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
