sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
