It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
