I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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