so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
