wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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