if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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