This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
