I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
two words: eviction party
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
