Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
