How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
