There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
