Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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