You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
