I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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