I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
