Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
