Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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