Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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