I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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