How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize