the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize