If i come over, it means nothing
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He shit in the fireplace
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
