my phone needs a breathalizer
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
