he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
