they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
