He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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