Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
