I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
