Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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