I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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