I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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