So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize