where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
