She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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