I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize