I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
