if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
