Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
