matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
