Where is the hickey?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
