I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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