i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize