Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
