is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Randomize
