i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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