Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
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