I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The best revenge is premature balding
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
