worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
